(Sigh) I am going to be 100% transparent and real with you. Some details maybe too graphic for your liking. If you precede to read Thank You.
When I got married, my husband and I were in no rush to grow our family. After a few months and a lot of prayer, Heavenly Father counseled us to do otherwise. With this exciting news we set out to make a baby.
During this time we were also preparing for a 10 month Army Deployment so life was a little stressful and were desperately trying to savor all of our precious family moments.
This is the only bump picture that I have of myself during the pregnancy.
Rather then offering me a D&C (a procedure to remove the baby and clean out everything) they gave me a pill and sent me home. I went home Alone to labor and pass the baby.
This was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do. The physical and emotional pain was unbearable. I wept on the floor in the fetal position for hours until the contractions stopped. They stopped for about 12 hrs and just when I thought it was over, it wasn’t. I then passed the amniotic sac. Seeing this was the hardest part of all. The place where the baby lived was no more.
At this point my husband had returned home and held me while I sobbed. I had never felt such a heavy loss before. But the burned was mine to carry.
Next, the vomiting began and continued for 2 days. I am forever grateful for those friends who watched my oldest child, brought us meals, and cleaned our home while I was down and out. They were literally angels to an unasked prayer.
As if the pain wasn’t enough, Dave, my husband was set to deploy soon. In just three short days he was unintentionally leaving me alone to grieve this loss. I was broken. My heart physically ached for the baby and yearned to be with my husband.
Leaning on my Savior was the only way that I knew how get through it. I talked with the Lord in prayer and read the scriptures several daily. I served all of the pregnant women around me so that I could deal with the jealously. While loosing myself in service I gained strength to deal with the loss and grew closer the Lord.
Our baby was due in March 2013 and would be 3 1/2 today. He would be surrounded with love from his parents and 3 rowdy brothers. There is and will always be a void in my heart. For me, it’s something that I will never get over, I just learned to cope with it.
To quote President Henry B Eyring “Joy Always Comes After Sorrow.” Here is my rainbow baby. He has brought so much love, joy and laughter into our home. He is fierce as he is determined. We can’t imagine life without him. One day in the next life we will all be reunited with the our second oldest child and get to share our love with him. Until then, we will remember and count our blessings.
If you have lost a pregnancy or know someone who has, please feel free to share my story. I found comfort in hearing stories of other women who had gone through the same thing. It gave me strength to know that I was in fact Not Alone. I had my Heavenly Father who strengthened me; He knows exactly how I felt. I had other women with similar experiences to lean on, and I had service which brought peace to my soul.